I dont know

I don’t know. I just really don’t.

I found Pink Dolly today, the doll that I used to love when I was a baby, used to carry around, and sleep with.
The little girl I babysat for today has these two teddybears with antennas and wings, she calls them Tickle Dey, and The Other Guy. She carrys them almost everywhere, sleeps with them, and uses them as a “all better” toy. Today she asked me if there was show-and-tell at my school. I explained “In college there isnt show and tell, but in kindergarten there is” (she’ll be starting kindergarten maybe in two years, shes just about to turn 4.) She then told me “im going to bring in tickle dey and the other guy, and tell the kids all the things they do for me. how they make me feel better when i get hurt, and how much they tickle me when im sad, and how when i rub their antennas on my nose, they make things better.”

I wish I was little again. When everything was simpler. When I could hold Pink Dolly and she would be my comfort toy, and she would make everything better.

My nightmares are really bad. The other day, i didn’t go to be til 5AM, then at 730, i was up again from a nightmare. A nightmare that I woke up crying from, and instead of sitting up and realizing it was just a dream, i continued to cry. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I’m taking the meds. They seem to be starting to work. I don’t know what to do except cry and take my xanax and try to sleep. But I still have so many things I need to do. I need to write 4 papers, and take two finals (Monday) and then I’ll get a break. I need that break.

I don’t want to have a birthday anymore. I don’t want to turn 21, and I don’t want to have a birthday. Nobody wants to do anything with me. They all say they do, but they don’t. There’s no point in this birthday, i’m very very highly thinking about just sleeping through the whole day. Watching movies, and sleeping. Seeing if anyone remembers, seeing if anyone cares.

I fucking hate this time of year.

I fucking hate the cold and I hate everything about winter.

i dont really want to live anymore.
i just want to go to bed and not wake up.
im not suicidal, really, i’m not. but i just wish, maybe if something happened in my sleep, you know like i choked on phlegm of something, and just didn’t wake up.

I cant deal with drama anymore.
I cant deal with feeling this way anymore
i cant deal with people being so mean to me anymore
i cant deal with JAMS and probation and having to worry about “orange” being called all the time
i can’t deal with school anymore
i cant deal with studying, with having to read 300 pages in my education psychology book for my test monday.
i cant deal with having to write those 4 papers.

i want to go to bed now.
i need to stop talking to people who make me sad.

i wish wednesday would just go away quickly and i could fastforward life to august 6th. please. please. please life, move quickly, or just stop.

sorry.

mystery google

i wrote: msg me on AIM with a joke and someone wrote:

Knock Knock

whos there?

Fleece

fleece who

fleece navidad

heheheheh <3

OBSESSED

with mystery google.

i just called two people and left “don’t worry be happy” on their voicemails because their mission told me to <3

i LOVE it it’s so much fun.